The Plight of the American Jailbird

If it weren't for the joys of sin, the American Jailbird would be near extinct. Fortunately, meth cooking, theft, and hot checking uttering are on the rise and the American jailbird is a thriving species.

But their lives are not all about three hots and a cot. They have NEEDS, I tell ya! Especially if they are soon to be going to the "big house". So, in a near migratory pattern, the jailbird will fool his captors by feigning chest pain to get a break from the monotony of his jail cell or to avoid the ride down south to the prison. He'll arrive surrounded by men in uniform, and the clink of the chain from his shackled feet will clink on the tile. Up from their charting the nurses will glance, and sigh in disgust as they realize that they too are now trapped in this web of deceit. They are obligated to provide excellent care to the best of their abilities while innocent babies with ear infections wait in the waiting room, because as is his custom the American jailbird will take up the last exam room in the ER.

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I remember a patient I had that had tried to escape from his work duty after bashing an officer in the head with a shovel. The other officers jumped on him and really beat the tar out of him...it appeared. When he arrived in the ER, there was dried blood all over his face and hair. I started scrubbing trying to find the source of this fountain and found a tiny laceration towards the center of his outer ear, and said, "Oh here it is, it's just a tiny little flap."

He said,"Shhhhh, don't tell them that." And then winked.

He knew he wasn't hurt badly, he was just glad for a little vacation from work detail.

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I remember another patient who was scheduled to go to prison that week, and had been in the ER for chest pain on monday, abdominal pain on tuesday, and flank pain on wednesday.

We had xrayed, cat scanned, examined every part of this guy and found NOTHING abnormal. All his labs were stone cold normal. And on his last visit, when informed that everything was normal and that it was time to go back to the jail, he said "But I get a disability check, how can everything be normal, I know I've got something wrong with me!"

I said, "So what are you needing us to do about this chronic condition?"

He said, "Give me vicodin."

So, as all good ER nurses would say, I simply said, "Not this time, you'll have to try harder next time."

The Sun is Shining...WHY are you HERE?

It's a beautiful day outside, the sun is shining, the birds are singing, and there's a nice breeze blowing.

You could go to the park and play with your children or grandchildren!

You could hop on a bicycle and ride around the block.

You could sit under a tree and read a book.

You could. But you don't.

Instead, you have come to the emergency room for a flea bite you got this morning. In your own house.

I've tried to examine the mind of the typical NON-emergency, emergency room patient, and I just can't do it. I think about the fact that it costs $150, bare minimum, to be seen in the ER...that's no tests, no medicines, and no x-rays. That is at least two times as much as a visit to a general medical doctor, or even an urgent care clinic. Do they HAVE $150? No, when asked about their primary care provider, they say, "They want you to pay upfront, and I don't have any money."

Will they receive a bill for this $150? Yes.

Will they pay it, or even afford to pay it? No.

Who will pay for it? We will.

Cynical about emergency health care? Yes, I am.

Because, typically, this patient is also talking on his or her cell phone while you try to get a history of the problem. He or she will demand to know what is taking so long, while you are furiously taking vital signs on the patient having a heart attack or stroke. Once in the exam room, the patient will ask for something to drink or eat, to go to the bathroom, and for a warm blanket. He or she will also have 5-6 visitors who demand to see the patient, and can't understand why you can't stop holding pressure on an arterial bleed to let them in the locked (for OUR safety) doors.

The stress placed on emergency room nurses and staff far outweighs the seriousness of most emergency room visits. These "clinic" patients ask for...NO, DEMAND the same time and care as patients who are true emergencies. It is unnecessary. Regardless of the financial burden they place on the system, they drain the life out of the staff, who are HIGHLY trained and qualified to provide ADVANCED medical care to patients who need it.

The Opening of the Mouth

The "Opening of the Mouth" is a ritual performed for dead kings after mummification to allow the deceased the ability to eat and speak in the after life.

Welcome to mine.

I am an emergency room nurse who is bound by a strict code of confidentiality and therefore my mouth has been closed by society and the government.

But today, though I will adhere to the law, I am going to share some of my life in the ER.

You're going to laugh, roll your eyes, get mad at me, and maybe even change your perspective. But I promise that it will never be dull.